Rah Rah Daria
by Caesar Augustus Plutarch
Summary: Written in response to a Plot Bunny on the PPMB that asked for a story where Brittany honors Daria's sarcastic request for sponsorship to the cheerleader tryouts she made in the season three episode "The Lost Girls" (The one with Val)


**Rah, Rah, Daria**  
_By CAP_

Daria shut her locker and sighed. The school day was only half over and she already had a pounding headache. At least her afternoon classes were bearable, French followed by Trigonometry then AP Chemistry, classes where she actually learned something.

"So you're not going to write an article for _Val_," Jane stated as her friend fell into step with her. "How's Mr. O'Neill taking it?"

Daria chuckled dourly. "I think he understood after I handed in my essay about spending a day with a totally self-absorbed egomaniacal teen magazine editor doing the work of the devil."

Jodie came scooting up to the pair.

"Hey, Daria, did you see the latest _Val_?" she asked extending an open magazine to her.

"My Day with 'D'," Jane read aloud as Daria scanned the page. "A disturbing true-life look at America's underground bummer culture. Wonder what that could be about?"

"It gets worse," Jodie said.

"Recently I spent an entire day hanging out with a disturbing girl I shall refer to only as 'D'. Hmmm," Jane continued. "Unenthusiastic, unpopular, cynical, D just doesn't understand how great it is to be a teen. In fact, she may be the anti-teen."

"I'm afraid everyone's going to know that it's you, Daria," Jodie worriedly said.

Daria smiled. "Hey, I'm jiggy with it."¹

"It doesn't bother you?" Jodie asked.

"No, why should it?" Daria retorted with a quick shake of her head. "What does the opinion of a shallow blonde airhead mean to me?"

Jane glanced over Daria's head. "Speaking of airhead blondes," she said in a low voice. "Bimbo at two o'clock."

Daria turned around. Brittany came walking rapidly toward her carrying a bundle of neatly folded blue clothes in her arms. Kevin was on her heels, a mask of confusion replacing his normally vacant, happy expression.

"Hi, Jane. Hi, Jodie" Brittany said brightly. "Hi, Daria."

"These are for you," she added extending the bundle to the smaller girl.

Daria took the clothes into each hand allowing gravity to unfold the items, a tee shirt and a pair of gym shorts. She glanced at Brittany. Her face mirrored Kevin's confusion.

"They're for the tryouts this afternoon," Brittany explained answering Daria's unasked question.

"Tryouts?" Daria asked.

"You know, cheerleader tryouts," Brittany replied. "You asked me to sponsor you last week, remember?"

"But babe, she's a brain." Kevin said.

Brittany shot him a venomous look. "Are you saying that you have to be stupid to be a cheerleader?"

"No, of course not, babe," he quickly stammered. "It's just, well, she's not hot."

Kevin caught Daria's withering gaze. "I don't mean you're not pretty, Daria," he hastily said to her. "It's just, you know, you're small, you know, like everywhere and if you're gonna get the guys fired up, you gotta be…"

His voice faltered as Jodie and Jane aimed their scorn his way.

"I gotta go to lunch. See ya," Kevin said sidling quickly away from the Medusa assault . "Good luck, Daria," he tossed over his shoulder as he fled.

Brittany waited until her boyfriend disappeared around the corner before she spoke. "Don't listen to him, Daria. I think that you'd be a good cheerleader. Anyway, I hope I got your size right."

"About trying out for the cheerleading squad," Daria began.

Brittany snorted tapping the side of her head. "Yeah, I nearly forgot to tell you the time and place. Three-thirty today in the gym. You can wear your own sneakers but please wear the clothes I gave you. We want all the girls to look alike."

"Okay, but…" Daria started.

"Don't fret, Daria," Brittany interrupted. "You aren't expected to know any routines or anything. Today we're just looking at your agility and flexibility. How well you project your voice, that sort of thing. Can I give you one bit of advice though?"

"Uh, sure," Daria said.

"When you're doing your tryout, smile," the Cheerleader said. "You look like a completely different person when you smile. See ya this afternoon. Bye, Jane. Bye, Jodie."

Jane and Jodie were trembling with suppressed mirth.

"The first one who laughs dies," Daria snarled.

Jane and Jodie fell against each other howling with laughter. Daria spun on her heel. Draping the blue outfit over her arm, she sped back to her locker.

Several minutes later, a teary-eyed Jane joined her. Daria was staring at the neatly folded clothes that rested atop her books.

"Sorry for laughing, Amiga," Jane said. "But the look on your face."

She started giggling again.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Daria replied. "Deer in the headlights. Brittany doesn't understand sarcasm. She couldn't have possibly thought I was serious when I asked her to sponsor me for cheerleader tryouts."

"Obviously she did," Jane replied nodding toward the outfit.

Cupping her forehead into her hands, Daria arched her head backwards. "Damn it. I'm going to make a complete fool of myself."

"Just don't go," Jane said.

"Not an option," Daria responded dropping her hands. "Whatever I think about it, from Brittany's point of view this was a very nice gesture. I can't just throw it back in her face."

"Sure you can," Jane replied. "You do it all the time."

Daria slowly closed her locker. "A jerk, I'll verbally eviscerate without a second thought," she said quietly. "But Brittany isn't being a jerk. As misguided as she is about this, she's being genuinely nice."

"Mr. O'Neill is genuinely nice yet you chop him off at the knees on a regular basis," Jane pointed out as the pair once again headed for the cafeteria.

Daria's chuckle was low and evil. "True but he wants to mold me into something I'm not."

"And making you a cheerleader isn't molding you into something you're not?" asked Jane archly.

Daria sighed. "Brittany isn't making me a cheerleader. She's giving me the opportunity to try out for the squad."

"That's not much of a difference," Jane replied. "I'm beginning to think you want to be a cheerleader."

"Oh, c'mon," Daria snapped. "You know me better than that."

"I dunno," Jane mused. "First fashion editor for your old school paper now this."

"I knew I never should have told you about that school paper thing," Daria growled.

Jane nudged her friend with an elbow. "C'mon on admit it, Daria. Beneath the cynical facade beats the heart of a girly girl,"

"Bite me, Lane," Daria countered.

"You know that I'm going to be there this afternoon with a camcorder," Jane laughed.

"I expect no less," Daria said. "But you know if copies start making their appearance, my reprisal will be swift and gruesome."

"You're really going to go through with this?" Jane asked.

"Yes," Daria said forlornly.

"Hey, Upchuck, guess what?" Jane yelled doen the hall to Charles Ruttheimer.

With a technique that would have impressed the football team, Daria lowered her shoulder and drove Jane into the girls' restroom.

***

"Okay, Ladies, that's enough stretching. Head over to the table and grab a pair of pom-poms. We'll be going in alphabetical order."

Daria got to her feet with the rest of the competitors. Unlike the others, she merely ambled over to the pom-poms. She did not know the names of most of the other girls who were also trying out but she thought it highly unlikely that Morgendorffer was any where near the top of the list.

Daria looked over at the judges, the coach of the squad Mrs. Guizot, Ms. Morris who acted more or less as the assistant coach to the squad despite her duties as track coach and three of the cheerleaders including Brittany who smiled encouraging at Daria. Beyond them, scattered in the bleachers of the gymnasium, was the rest of the squad, Ms. Li the principle who dubiously eyed Daria, a reporter for the school paper, six mothers armed with camcorders and advice. Futher up the bleachers Charles Ruttheimer III, a camera with a formidable lens dangling around his neck, was sitting next to Jane her own camcorder zeroing in on her best friend. Daria stepped back putting a girl between her and Jane.

"Nicole Adamson," Mrs. Guizot called out.

"Give me an 'L'," a slender brunette shouted before exploding into a series of flips and splits.

The walls reverberated with shouts as girl after girl launched into her routine. The array of gymnastics and meticulously choreographed dance moves caught Daria by surprise. These girls were serious about getting on the team. The amount of preparation was obvious even to the untrained eye.

"Daria Morgendorffer."

"Oh, damn," she muttered under her breath. "C'mon on Morgendorffer, just get it over with."

She carefully sat her glasses on the table and, after a moment's pause, laid the pom-poms down as well. Taking a deep breath, she plastered a smile on her face and took several running steps then propelled herself into a series of three cartwheels followed by a forward flip.

She dramatically flung her arms in the air she chanted in a firm, clear voice that easily reached the back bleachers,  
_ "Themistocles, Thucydides,  
The Peloponnesian War!  
X-squared, Y-squared,  
H2SO4!  
Who for? What for?  
Who are we gonna yell for?  
GO MAROONS!" __²_

Daria tumbled forward once before sliding down into a split. Raising her arms into the air, she slowly bowed from the waist.

There was a moment of silence as the judges and audience taken by surprise by such a short routine. Jane broke the stillness with a loud whistle. A brief scattering of applause followed while Daria leapt to her feet.

"I see that you're familiar with some of the more esoteric cheers, Miss Morgendorffer," Mrs. Guizot said wryly.

"That was a real chant?" Brittany asked in surprise.

"Yes," answered Mrs Guizot. "A rather famous one in its day. Thank you, Miss Morgendorffer."

Coach Morris regarded Daria coldly before barking, "Randi Pennyfeather,"

Daria quickly moved off the mats as a buxom redhead blasted from the line. "That's over with," she sighed to herself as she myopically shuffled back to her glasses.

***** 

"And the final new member is Randi Pennyfeather," Mrs. Guizot announced. "Congratulations Randi, Heather, Nicole, Kenley, Megan, and Shelby. Welcome to the Lawndale High Cheerleading Team."

The chosen six danced around in a group hug as the judges and audience vigorously applauded. Five mothers cheered loudly as one mother angrily shoved a camcorder into its case.

"Someone had her vicarious fantasy crushed," Daria thought watching her storm down the steps.

"For the rest of you girls please keep practising," Mrs. Guizot continued. "I will gladly give anyone a private critique if she wants. Give you tips on ways to improve your weak points so that next year could be your year to shine."

"Not with a gun to my head," thought Daria moving to congratulate the winners. Brittany intercepted her as soon as she finished.

"I'm sorry you didn't make the team, Daria," she desolately said pulling the smaller girl into a brief hug.

"The sun will rise tomorrow," Daria replied.

"That's a good attitude," said Brittany. She hesitated slightly before adding. "I don't know if it helps or will make things worse for you but the last spot came down between you and Randi."

"You're kidding," uttered Daria in complete disbelief.

"No, really I'm not," Brittany replied. "You were very supple and sure in your movements and you projected your voice very well. Mrs. Guizot got a kick out of your cheer. She said it went back to like the twenties or something. Paula thought you'd be good to have as the top of the pyramid 'cause you're so small. She said that you couldn't weigh more than a sparrow."

"Would that be an English Sparrow or an African Sparrow?" Jane asked as she ambled over.

"Huh?" a frowning Brittany asked.

"Just a joke," replied Jane.

"Whatever," Brittany said. "Anyway, Daria, I got a lot of comments from the squad when I nominated you but you shut them up. You did good."

"Thanks," Daria replied.

"You're welcome," Brittany responded. "Hey, maybe next year, you know. A senior and a cheerleader. Go out with a bang."

"Yeah, Daria," Jane said with a straight face. "What a way to go. Heck, maybe you could even be Prom Queen. Of course, you'd need to get a boyfriend to go to the prom."

"Too much work," Daria replied. "I'll just let you get one then steal him from you."

The three girls laughed.

"Oh, they need me," Brittany said glancing over Daria's shoulder. "Bye, now."

"Well, congrats on failing," Jane said when the cheerleader was out of earshot.

"Yeah," Daria replied. "Uh, I need a quick shower. I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

"Yeah, sure," Jane nodded. "I'll either be here or out front."

******

"You've been quiet," Jane observed as they neared her house."You aren't disappointed, are you?"

Daria snorted. "Of course not."

"C'mon, Daria."

Daria's shoulders sagged a touch. "Not _really_ disappointed," she sighed.

"Not really disappointed?" asked Jane.

"It's weird," mused Daria thoughtfully."I don't understand why teams have cheerleaders to begin with. No one pays them any attention."

"It gives guys something to ogle if their teams are doing badly," Jane supplied.

"If that's the case than I'm definitively not cheerleader material," Daria said sardonically.

"So what's weird?" Jane asked.

"And I don't even like sports," Daria said ignoring Jane's question.

"Back to 'its weird'," Jane prompted doggedly sticking to the point.

"It's weird because there is a touch of disappointment," Daria replied as a mild blush came to her cheeks. "Especiall after Brittany told me how close I came to getting on the squad. That doesn't make sense. I don't want to be a cheerleader yet I'm a little… deflated that I didn't become one."

"Girly girl"

"Girly girl this, Lane," Daria said giving her friend the finger.

Jane laughed. "Back to the subject at hand I'd say that no one likes to lose even if they aren't all that into winning."

"Perhaps," Daria replied.

"If you were a cheerleader, you'd go postal in a week," Jane said.

Daria grinned singing, "Everybody run."

"The homecoming queen's got a gun,"³ Jane sang the next line with her.

Daria chuckled. "To top it off, Mom would probably bury me in my cheerleader outfit. Eternity clad in blue and yellow."

"There's a vision of Hell that Dante didn't write about," said Jane.

Daria sighed again.

"Yes?" asked Jane.

"Most days that cabin in the wilds of Montana literally miles from anyone is the dream I live for," Daria said wistfully. "But, every once in a while, there are days that I wish that it were in my nature just to be part of the gang. I guess that this is one of those days."

"Bad timing with the tryouts, eh," Jane said.

"Yeah," agreed Daria. "Tomorrow, I'll be laughing at myself."

"But today," Jane said compassionately.

"Yeah, but today," replied Daria.

"Here's home," Jane said. "Wanna come in?"

Daria shook her head. "Thank you but no. I think I'll just go on home."

"Cool," Jane replied. "Give me a call later, Amiga."

"Sure," Daria said. "

She paused briefly before asking almost shyly, "Would you do me a favour?"

"Of course," Jane said. "What?"

"Burn me a copy of my tryout, please," replied Daria. "Mom won't believe that I actually went out for the squad otherwise. It should help me get her off my back about extracurriculars."

Jane started to say something but abruptly closed her mouth. After a moment, she smiled. "No problemo. I'll have it for you tomorrow."

"Thanks," Daria said. "See you later."

"See ya," Jane replied.

She watched her friend walk to the intersection before toward her own home. "A copy for Helen, my ass," Jane chuckled.

******

Footnotes

1\. Opening dialogue taken from The Lost Girls, Daria episode #305 written by Neena Beber. Transcript posted on _Outpost Daria_

2\. University of Chicago (the Maroons) cheer. Originator unknown

3\. Lyrics from _The Homecoming Queen's Got A Gun_, written by Julie Brown, 1984


End file.
